Abulia

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This Post is part of A - Z Challenge. The Letter for today is 


A for ABULIA. It means lack of ability to take decisions.




I had been living in the shadow of my parents for the past 23 years. I had been living an innocent life. My parents would select everything for me. I was always happy with what ever my parents gave me.  As i grew i started realizing, i myself don't know if I like something or not. All these days i happily accepted what ever my parents gave me. My school, my books, my games, my dress, the time i go to bed, the time i raise from bed and the list goes on, every thing i had been accepting blindly and liked it for the only reason those were my parents gifts..

Time had moved so fast and I had to make certain decisions my self at many stages. But i do not know what to pick up if four options were given to me in the place of a single option that my parents usually give. Seriously I don't know what i liked my self.. What a shameless creature am i.. i don't know about myself. But rarely I can tell " I hate this". Even then i don't know the reason for me hating it.

All my abulia started affecting my career and acads.  But somehow i managed with my elimination skills. As i reached end of  my 10th grade I had to choose my group that i wished to study in the higher secondary. This may be the first turning point in my life. But seriously i dint know what to opt for, I don't know which subject i liked or  which branch i liked.  This may be because i was capable of studying what ever given to me and able to secure above 85%. Now options available were 1. Biology 2. Commerce 3. Computer Science.

 I secured 100 % in Biology in my 10th standard board exams . Teachers compelled me to opt for Bio group since i had topped in the school. But i rejected since I'm OC it is not that easy to get doctor seat. I dint want to trouble my parents by making them pay huge capitations. Hence Option 1 eliminated.  Parents told Commerce is a narrow track and very difficult to shine in that field, more over your pay may be less. Hence option 2 rejected. All that i was left with was Computer Science.

The next task was to choose my second language in higher secondary. Options available where 1. Tamil 2. Hindi 3. Sanskrit 4. French. Up to my 10th my second language was Tamil. I struggled so much to even get 80's. When coming for board exams let say i am getting 80 in both Tamil I  and Tamil II that causes my total - 40. Very horrible to loose abruptly 40 marks out of 1200. So Option 1 rejected. Option 2 and 3 were rejected directly without scrutinizing because i don't even know a word in Hindi. Last option left was French. I opted for it because i heard it was so easy to cross 190 in French and the alphabets were same as English.

I have finally made my 12 th exams and cleared with 93%. Thanks for my elimination skills. Now the turning point 2. I had to choose my college. My biggest dream was to join in Panimalar i don' know the reason. But got attracted towards the white building from my childhood.  I didn't like physics , so I rejected the branches ECE , EEE , EIE.  Remaining Mechanical, Computer Science and I.T. I did liked mechanical.  But due to the wide spread myth that mechanical is not a suitable branch for girls my parents didn't allow me to opt for it. Left out options were IT and CSE. Many misguided me as IT is inferior to CSE and hence i rejected that too. Final choice was CSE. 

Next terrific moment for me is to choose between job and  higher studies. Me and my dad went and enquired in a famous institute at Anna Nagar for GRE and TOEFL. The receptionist explained me the process for 4 hours right from the day i would take up my coaching class until it would land on a foreign country. Those were just to get into an University  in USA, but there were lots more to do. I had to search accommodation, prepare food, get friends, learn to be responsible, be all alone, travel alone, and many more. I could realize spirals inside my head when i walked out of the institution. 

 Mom told me to do ME since teaching line is the best for girls. I wanted to decide myself at-least in this matter.  I didn't want to go for ME and then as a faculty because , I can't teach properly, I'm too short. This was the time when I had a strong desire to join into TCS or Oracle, I cracked through TCS interview process and may be because of this I lost interest to join in Oracle. More over i l have to migrate to B'lore if i get placed in Oracle for which my parents will not allow me.  

After my 8th semester, i was so idle for 8 months. Didn't receive call letter from TCS, I felt so bored at home. I joined in play school as a teacher. ( Konjam Konjama enga ammavoda dreams niraiverara mariye irundhudhu :(  ). Those days were awesome but i was unable to tolerate those teachers torturing the kids. I left the job. I accquired a desire to start a Montessori school  in future. But I myself dint know if I really like it or not, got that idea only because I want to set an example for those principals how to be kind to kids.

Went into TCS.  I didn't like that culture. Didn't like its nature of work. Didn't like anything there. Perhaps that became my biggest wrong decision of my life ( To join in Tcs ).  I quit the job. Joined in a small firm now. Feeling so happy. It has all started well. Who knows what will happen in future? Praying that this option should never fail. 

Now for the next MARRIAGE......

LOVE    OR     ARRANGED ?????????

My option is ARRANGED LOVE.............

Abulia  continues for ever......


                                     



11 comments

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kaushikgovind
AUTHOR
April 02, 2014 2:37 am delete

Everything in life happens for a good thing, and there's no reason to brood for anything :) BTW..TCS is not that bad desicion, coz yu've got some awesome friends from there ;)

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loverofwords
AUTHOR
April 02, 2014 4:51 am delete

I am looking forward to your next blog about arranged marriage and learning more about your life in India.

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Jemima Pett
AUTHOR
April 02, 2014 9:04 am delete

I'm glad you decided to do this challenge :) Look forward to reading more.

Jemima
#TeamDamyanti
Blogging from Alpha to Zulu in April!

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Munir
AUTHOR
April 02, 2014 9:28 am delete

I liked that "arranged love?"
I learned a new word today - - Abulia.
Wish you all the best.

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Vicki Paulus
AUTHOR
April 02, 2014 9:32 am delete

I found this fascinating because your experiences growing up were so different from my own. Looking forward to reading more of your posts.

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Gayu Venkat
AUTHOR
April 02, 2014 2:29 pm delete

Kaushik, May be that was the only good thing

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Gayu Venkat
AUTHOR
April 02, 2014 2:32 pm delete

Thanks Tasha.. Will post on my marriage soon if i hear my wedding bells...

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Gayu Venkat
AUTHOR
April 02, 2014 2:34 pm delete

Thanks Munir.. My plans for this A-Z is to blog on rare and peculiar words of English
as far as possible though this is my theme i dint know how far i can succeed in using very rarely used words in English and hence not revealed the theme.. :)

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pkdeka
AUTHOR
April 04, 2014 3:18 pm delete

i think everyone suffers from ABULIA.. more or less .. good to read

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